Poem: Sorry I Ruined Your Birthday

Sorry I Ruined Your Birthday

Over twelve years
I cannot count
the many ways
I’ve let you down.

It’s a less and
not a fewer
situation—
the collective
weight can be felt
as a body
of deep regrets,
a pool so deep
you could dive and
dive and never
find the bottom.

I know because
I have tried to.

I’ve held my breath
and looked around,
although it stung
my open eyes
and the pressure
made my ears ache..
I dove down there
to try to find
a plug to pull,
something that when
exorcised would
allow all your
disappointments
to wash away.

Maybe there are
some magic words
I could say, some
Incantation
like, “I love you
and I’m sorry
for all the ways
I’ve let you down.”

But there isn’t.

There is never
a floor to find,
a plug to pull,
or a magic
phrase to whisper.
There is only
the past and the
grim specter of
repetition.

I’ll never make
it up to you.
Each offense will
add to my tab,
and, as my debt
continues to
grow drop-by-drop,
all I can do
is rub your legs
while you’re asleep—
I know you feel
some growing pains—
and hope someday
you’ll be able
to forgive me.

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